Why am I writing about my abortion?

This past month has been one of the most difficult of my life.

My father had a stroke, and I was left to tend to the family business while my mom stayed with him at the hospital to help translate between him and the medical staff. When I wasn’t at work, I would be at the hospital to support my family as much as I could. He stayed in the hospital for two weeks, and was discharged back home — where he acted as stubborn as he always has, insisting he’s fine and ignoring all the doctor’s orders.

Of course, five million things went wrong at work while I was there trying to fix everything on my own.

A week after my father was discharged, my dog got out of the house when my contractor accidentally left the garage door open. My neighbor was walking by with her dogs, and my dog immediately attacked her dogs, biting my contractor in the process as he tried to pull her off my neighbor’s dogs. Now I’m staring at a $5,000 bill to send her to doggo boarding school and fix her aggression issues before this happens again.

The next day, I told my boyfriend: “If one more thing goes wrong this month, I might actually lose my mind.”

At this point, my period was one week late. I chalked it up to stress, but figured I would take a pregnancy test to ease my mind.

The same day I told my boyfriend I was on the brink of losing my mind, I learned I was pregnant.

We’ve discussed our future before, and we want to get married and start a family eventually. But we’ve only been dating for 7 months, and we want time to put each other first before worrying about our extended family.

I could list all the reasons above as a reason for seeking an abortion, but in the end the only thing that matters is: we do not want a child right now.

I made an appointment at Planned Parenthood, and spent the following week riding a wave of emotions. One minute I was fine, the next I was anxious, the next I was bawling, and the next minute I was fine again. I was sad that this is the first pregnancy my boyfriend and I would experience, I was anxious that this would be my only chance at having a child (I’m 32), and I felt guilty about the fact I could technically care for a child right now if I had to.

I knew this was the right choice. But that doesn’t make it any less painful or difficult.

First, let me make this clear for all the anti-choice folks out there: no woman ever wants to have an abortion. Period.

I could go into the details of my boyfriend and I’s birth control methods, but to be honest I don’t think I need to. People slip up, birth control doesn’t work 100% of the time, and that is the simple fact of life. It happens far more often than we realize, and no one should ever be forced to bring a pregnancy to term because a group of people on their moral high-horses don’t agree with abortion.

I’m writing about my abortion because too many women feel shamed about making this decision for themselves. I am one of them — I created an entirely new and anonymous Medium account to write this because I am still too afraid and ashamed to post this under my own name.

Here’s what I can tell you about my pregnancy and abortion:

• I felt disconnected the first few days of finding out I was pregnant. I think I did this on purpose, since I knew I was having an abortion. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be sad or emotional about this choice since I wasn’t keeping the baby. But what I realized (after waking up bawling one morning), is you can feel sad and guilty about your abortion, while still knowing it’s the right choice to make for yourself.
• I had absolutely zero symptoms of pregnancy. When I went to the doctor, I learned I was already 5 weeks along. The fact that some states have passed abortion bans from 6–8 weeks is truly horrifying in retrospect. Most women have no idea they’re pregnant at that stage, or are barely finding out. This leaves no time for women to make a choice on how to proceed.
• There are two ways to handle your abortion at this early stage of pregnancy. If you are up to 10 weeks pregnant, you have the option of a medical abortion, aka the abortion pill. You take the first pill at the clinic, and the second in the privacy of your own home. The other option is an in-clinic abortion, which is like what we see in the movies/tv shows: a woman with her feet in stirrups, while a doctor removes the contents of the uterus with suction. She’s always in distress, and the whole process looks terrifying and painful.
• I opted for an in-clinic abortion. Originally I was going to do a medical abortion at home, but once the clinician told me about the process I rescheduled for an-clinic procedure. The medical abortion takes about two days, and you can bleed anywhere from a normal period, to something much heavier. Cramping is quite common, along with passing several clots. Although the in-clinic procedure was intimidating to me, I wanted to get this over with as soon and quickly as possible.
• My abortion was not as painful or scary as I thought it would be. Since we rescheduled, my boyfriend was unable to be there during the procedure since he had work, so I would be on my own during the abortion. Every single staff member at Planned Parenthood was incredibly kind and supportive. From the escort who made sure the anti-choice protestors didn’t bother me as I exited the car, to the clinician who stayed in the room during the abortion to talk to me and ease my mind, I cannot thank everyone here enough for sticking by my side every second.
• I felt fine afterwards. I sat in the recovery room with a heating pad, and experienced some light cramping when I went home. I felt — well, I’m not sure how to describe it. A little sad, a little guilty, but overwhelmingly relieved. And that’s why I know I made the right choice.

So why am I writing about my abortion? First, it’s therapeutic. Secondly, I’m publishing this in case any other women out there are in the same situation and are feeling lost, or have questions, or simply want to know they are not alone. If you’re in the same situation and you’re reading this, you are not alone. And whatever choice you make, even if your friends and family turn their backs on you, there will always be support for you during this difficult time.

And most importantly: you will be okay. I promise.